Ad Orientem

The Second Vatican Council had a big impact on liturgy, and I'm not going to give my opinion on the changes which were ushered in as a result of Sacrosanctum Concilium. Since the 11th century the church has successfully ensured that the only people acting in persona Christi are the ones who are too damn ugly to get married, and Cosmas does now need to tell this Vat 2 world that he is sick of seeing priests' faces.

Average priest after ten years of hearing confessions

Every Monday at 9 a.m., without fail, father drags himself out of the sacristy, vested if he's had the time, and begins saying the 'oly mass. Without fail, the Lord always ignores my prayer that I won't have to see this sorry sight, and that he will be standing on the correct  traditional side of the altar. But He never listens.

This problem is somewhat smaller on a Sunday. Mass is a little later, giving father time to put his face on, and the sheer number of candles means that most of the eyesore is obscured, but until God gets his act together and makes fr Roncalli a successor of the apostles, the citizens of Somewhere in the North are going to have to tolerate that bit of him which the seventh candle would cover.

"When father first came to the parish some ten years ago, he was quite the looker, and I repented of my uber-trad heresies. But now I pray everyday that he be elevated to the episcopate." - Mary, 90, Somewhere in the North.

Fr Pacelli is no doubt reading this and thinking, "Where is this sharp-tongued brat's consideration for me? Does he really think I want to endure Damian's pig-like expression during the epiclesis? It ruins my Sunday!"

Well father P, I hear you loud and clear, and I have a little answer to everyone's problems. It's simple, easy, creates a sense of unity between people and priest, prevents a clericalism-promoting dichotomy, stops father from looking like he's in a candle prison, and we don't have to look at each other.

Comes with Papal approval